A dream.

So my worst nightmare is running into my ex. I know that this could happen if I didn’t live four states away now.  I know that this would happen if I was to go home.  My parents ran into him the other day while they were in town. He was holding hands with his new girlfriend.    I have stayed mostly single on purpose since our breakup.  

In my fantasy or rather a nightmare of running into him I have just had a fight with my husband, I had not washed my hair in weeks and forgot that I had not used the dry shampoo as a suitable option.  My sweatpants would probably be able to stand up on their very own in the corner of the room if I felt the need to change them.

I would be casually going to the local grocery store.  Looking a little extra. Extra fat, Mascara stained cheeks from crying after the fight with my imaginary husband,  a large red zit, no makeup because why would I even think twice about something that I know would be a quick run in, there I would be in the ice cream section waiting to figure out what selection I would make.  I would not be able to decide so I would pick two of them…maybe three.

He would come down the row, looking handsome, maybe even a tad bit more than after three years that I can remember. He would look at me maybe feeling a bit shocked by how badly I really started to look like, how bad I let myself go.  

How far gone I have gotten since he broke up with me.  
It would feel a little worse than running into someone you went to high school with, one of the ones you always felt you need approval from. Yup way worse especially because she would be with him. His wife he married 13 months after our breakup.  

It would be like seeing someone’s social media live and in person.  I would look at his wife and compare myself so harshly to her. Wondering what she had that I didn’t.   That over the years I had stalked her Facebook and IG, that she looked way better in a bikini then I ever did.   The pictures of her with his family especially his mom cut a little deeper then I thought that it would. Man, I loved her. 
I would look at his life and think to myself that he is way better off then how things ended with up with me.  Wondering if that one fight we had pushed us apart, months of the two of us trying to make it better from a distance all the while he had moved on with her.  One thing I can say in real life is that no matter what he always seemed to have one foot out the door. There was never a time that he was all in.

Even in all that I would hope wholeheartedly that he would see me, like really see me.  That even in the midst of me being that hot mess I was at that very moment grown into an independent woman.

The one I wanted to be in high school, except this time it’s not just the nightmare I replay in my mind over and over in this nightmare/dream….

If they could see me now, they would all see that I have a sweet little life.  One that I am still struggling to navigate, one I am happily raising two little boys into great men.   That yes I might not have it all together but I have chosen them hands down every time 100%. I try every day to be a better version of myself.  That when we were together, I was not healed from a divorce, I didn’t know how to navigate through all the things I was having to figure out. 

In all honesty, I can admit now that I was not even close to being ready for him, for us.  I did not know myself, heck I am still getting to know who I am now.  One thing I know is that I like who I am and who I have started to become.  I have become a way better mom then what he was witness to, a way better mom that the boys so deserve to have in me now.   

When he broke up with me I felt so broken, but what he did was give me a push to really stand on my own to feet, leave everything I had ever known and leave my comfort zone, pack a U- haul trailer, and move.   One day I will find the guy I spend the rest of my days with, something I look forward to, but I don’t need to find him to feel complete.  I now know what I bring to the table so I am clearly not afraid to eat alone…. Or eat with two little boys and our three happy meals.  
I can only hope that if one day we really run into each other, ( I will look extra hot) I hope that maybe he’d look at my life and feel that twinge of nervous jealousy, and that I would feel like I do every day now…. Confident, happy with myself, and my life.  That starting over in a new town was the fresh start I need to really fall in love with the one person in matters the most to love…. Myself.

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